People call Out of Chaos to help declutter their homes and create functional organizational systems. Occasionally, clients will tell us they absolutely do not want their friends or family members to find out they hired us. Often it is because a friend wants to help or a family member has tried to help, and it is not working out very well. Our clients say they feel pressured and obligated to please their friends or family members. They feel rushed through decisions they aren’t ready to make. They get stressed when someone goes through cupboards, drawers, and closets and starts tossing things out they feel are unnecessary without consulting them first.
While anyone can learn to declutter and adopt organizational systems to simplify their lives, not everyone can help others get organized. After 20 years in the professional organizing industry and an equal amount in the hospitality field, I know a thing or two about service.
Often people confuse being helpful as “doing things for others” versus providing guidance. At Out of Chaos, while we roll up our sleeves and do the work, it is never based on what we feel should be done. We always work with our clients. Through our guidance and understanding of what our clients want, we customize our hands-on work to meet their outcomes.
When friends or family members see you struggling with the chaos in your life (home, schedule, etc.), they want to help because they care about you. They want to make it easier for you by doing the work. But they often don’t necessarily understand that it is not about the physical work. In fact, it is more often about the emotional struggle in deciding what to do and when making it challenging to accept help. Good intentions are not the same as expertise. But how do you say no thank you when someone offers assistance or even takes over the project? Here are some tips for the person with the clutter and the friend.
If Your Friend Wants to Help
If clutter is overwhelming you, chances are it’s because you’re overworked, stressed, exhausted, grief-stricken, or any combination of these. Your friend notices this and offers to help or may start to help without asking. As challenging as it is when you are stressed, you need to establish boundaries.
Be direct. Show your appreciation and tell your friend you will contact them when the time comes. Don’t say “maybe later” if you mean never. Mixed messages can inadvertently encourage the person to keep pushing your boundaries.
- Example: Thank you for your help and advice. I can’t deal with this [organizing project] right now. If I need your help, I will let you know. (Notice you stated “your help,” which means you might need help, but not necessarily their assistance.)
Give your friend specific tasks. If your friend has particular talents, put those to good use by giving them specific tasks. For example, ask them to list places (address, contact information, store hours, etc.) to sell the antique postcard collection. Ask them to drive the donations to the bin or set up the backup system for your computer.
Explain that your friendship is more valuable. When your friend wants to help, and you turn them down, they may feel you don’t value their friendship. Tell them that the organizing project is under control, but you need their help to escape and do something fun.
- Example: Thank you for all your [suggestions, advice, offers of help], but this is a project I will have to tackle [on my own, with my partner, with a professional]. I’d love to [shop, watch a movie] [on the weekend, Tuesday night]. I’d appreciate doing something fun with you to get my mind off of things.
If You Are the Friend
It’s hard to watch your friend struggle when you know that you can help. Sometimes, your friend may not be ready. Maybe they are embarrassed, or there are underlying reasons why they want privacy. Either way, respect their boundaries and wishes.
Did the person ask for help? If yes, then offer it and let them take the lead. If they did not ask for help or refuse your offer, let it go. They will get organized when they are ready.
Focus on the mess, not the person. If you see a pile of plastic containers cascade out of a kitchen cupboard, mention how you solved a similar problem in your kitchen. Never criticize.
- Good Example: Aren’t corner cupboards the worst? My corner cupboard was a chaotic black hole until I installed some baskets to store lids and containers. They cost less than $10. If you want, I can show you the baskets I used.
- Bad Example: You don’t need all those containers. You should recycle all these takeout ones. You don’t have the space for all of them. I’ve pulled out all the ones you shouldn’t keep.
Offer to help as part of socializing with them. By coupling work and fun together, you’re implying that you’re at their side to support them and enjoy their company.
- Example: Hey Susan, would it be helpful if we declutter the basement for an hour and afterwards, we can head to the club for some tennis?
Ask questions. Questions empower people. Statements do not. Never assume you can toss something out. It’s best to sort through items and lay out things that you feel can be discarded or donated and confer with your friend before actually removing items. They will trust you more when they feel it’s completely their decision and not yours.
- Good Example: When did you use it last? When do you expect you will use it again? If you never owned it, would you buy it again? I’ve sorted through this cupboard and put aside items you should look at before tossing or donating them. (empowering)
- Bad Example: Oh, you’ll never use that. Toss it out. I don’t know why you’d buy something like that in the first place. I sorted through this drawer and thrown out items I think are just junk. (dictatorial and judgmental)
Respect their decisions. Never toss items away without conferring with your friend. Questions only empower people when you respect their answers. Don’t question your friend’s judgement on what they keep. It might not seem valuable to you, but it’s not your stuff. If you are worried that they might regret discarding something or are keeping items because of their emotional state, politely suggest that they pack it up and keep it for a month (or a reasonable period of time) and revisit the decision.
Respect their pace. Don’t push your friend to discard more, make decisions faster, or work longer than they are comfortable with – especially if there is a lot of sentimental clutter. They may be able to work for two hours one day but only five minutes the next day.
Be encouraging and positive. Empathize with them. Acknowledge and congratulate them for completing a difficult task, no matter how small. Bolster their morale (flowers or chocolate chip cookies work well) when they become discouraged.
Keep things private. Do not under any circumstances disclose to anyone that you are helping your friend. Let your friend disclose that information if they want others to know. No matter what you think, loose lips sink (friend) ships.
Suggest hiring a professional organizer. In the Vancouver area, Out of Chaos is happy to help. Contact us to arrange a consultation. We also have colleagues throughout North America, and we would be delighted to make connections.
